How to live with myself

Morality, from my point of view, both renders at least one purpose and requires at least one motivator to fulfill moral obligations. A primary motivator for me is fear of failure. Failure to fulfill a moral obligation is unacceptable, therefore I strive to avoid such a fate. The obligations in question are similar to that of Bentham's moral obligations, being those that give the greatest number of people the most happiness. However, I do not desire to serve the largest number of people, but to provide the greatest service to those I hold in high esteem. Other individuals follow a hierarchy of importance, and my drive to provide those people with service follows that hierarchy. It stands to reason that I want to help people who matter the most to me because doing so feels right, and invokes a feeling of satisfaction.

The punishment/reward system described by Hume seems quite applicable, with acts I deem or have to raised to deem negative invoking unpleasant feelings or discomfort, and acts I consider appropriate invoking pleasant feelings. The most pleasant feelings I experience on a regular basis, in regards to morality, arise from when I am useful. Providing the best service to those who deserve that service allows me to feel positively about my actions. Acting opposingly to those who deserve service invokes the most negative of feelings, and is not the result of mere lack of usefulness, but rather becoming an obstacle. Nietzsche's idea concerning primarily providing for the self is abhorrent to me, as it runs contradictory to my belief of proving aid to those who most deserve it, and choosing to aid myself before others is akin to neglect, a reaction born of ignorance, and thus a failure.

Puzzlingly, I do not find near the same level of fault in others for such thing as I do myself, as holding myself to higher than reasonable standards yields results, while holding others to the same standards both yields disappointment and breeds unjust judgments. An essential part of my moral code focuses heavily on what is fair. If something is not just or balanced, then it must be made so. How balance is sought is a subjective matter, and depends on emotional state, distressed emotions provoking a "fight fire with fire" response and more easing emotions provoking a soothing response, akin to Nodding's "one-caring" character.

I also hold myself responsible for as many of my actions as I might consider possible. I do not often attempt to explain away failures on my part as the result of some other's actions or failings, though I have, on occasion, delegated credit to others despite having held more responsibility than said other. I do not consider myself guided, as being guided leaves the possibility for being led astray. I also do not consider my actions to be at the whim of forces higher than that of my own consciousness or a direct authority, as doing so again leaves a possibility to delegating blame to an inexplicable factor. While I do not deny such powers exist and do, in fact, consider there to be a very real possibility of such powers, I act on my own authority (or at least believe I do).